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If everything goes as planned, President Barack Obama will be arriving in Jakarta in just a matter of days. In the spirit of fun, I have put together a travel itinerary of sorts during his brief stay.

To kick off the visit, Obama and President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono should have a presidential boys’ night out. First stop should be at any Inul Vista karaoke bar. Obama could show off his Grammy-winning vocal prowess (even though it was for spoken word) while collaborating with Yudhoyono — who has three albums to his name — to belt out some American classics. As a reflection of how he handled national affairs of late, Yudhoyono should sing Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” while “All by Myself” would be fitting to sum up Obama’s recent difficulties pushing health care reform in the States.

Yudhoyono and Obama with Inul Daratista could then make their way to the Asmoro dangdut nightclub. Inul could teach President O a thing or two about dangdut, maybe even show him her foxy, drilling groove.

In return, the first black US president could give Inul a political lesson on how to win an election, which could lift her in her bid for district head of East Java.

The morning after, Obama, who has eaten dog meat when he lived in Indonesia as a child, should head out for a taste of traditional cuisine. I understand that people are expecting the president to chow down on nasi goreng , mie bakso or gado gado.

In my opinion, he should unquestionably go for Indomie. Technically, it’s not part of what one would consider as native cuisine. But Indomie is a great society leveler — no matter if you own a Ferrari or an ojek , everyone loves it. Even Yudhoyono used Indomie as part of his successful re-election campaign.

The American president travels around the world in Air Force One, but while in the Big Durian, Obama, who drives a Ford Escape Hybrid in the United States, should ride our ironic snail-paced, three-wheeled, toxic-farting vehicle and have one named in his honor — the Bajaj Force One.

While riding, Obama should ask the driver if he could have a kretek . He’s trying to quit smoking, but who can really resist the temptation while here? It’s OK Barry — what happens in Jakarta, stays in Jakarta.

Since Obama is a good husband and father of two daughters, shopping for the first family is a must.

First, he should go and buy Michelle a knock-off Prada bag from Mangga Dua. By doing so, he can showcase his mastery of monetary policy. Let’s see if he could successfully get bargain for a Rp 2 million ($220) Prada clutch and get it for Rp 200,000.

Obama should then purchase a new puppy from Taman Lawang in Menteng to keep Malia’s and Sasha’s dog, Bo, company at the White House. A precautionary note, Mr. President: Do not buy a Dalmatian. Once you bathe the pup, you may discover that the black spots were painted on.

Since Indonesia is an important ally for the United States in its campaign against terrorism, we need to test Obama’s fear threshold. He should thus watch an Indonesian horror flick, like “Raped by Saitan.”

Since Obama is a fan of HBO’s “The Wire,” he could also tune in to one of our sinetrons and watch shows like “Terdampar” (“Deserted”) and “Petualangan Bersama Suku Biru” (The Adventure of Blue Race”), knock-offs of “Lost” and “Avatar,” respectively, just to see just how much we love all things American.

Obama’s visit has been delayed because of health care reform in the United States. He should know that Indonesia is home to ground-breaking practices in medicine that could provide solutions to health problems in the United States. We have the Chinese wonder pill that is reported to cure all sorts of illnesses, in addition to religious quasi-doctors. Maybe Obama could also borrow Ponari, the kid from Jombang, East Java, whose magical rock is reputed to give him mystical healing power.

One thing that Obama should not do, however, is to visit the “Little Barry” statue at his old school in Menteng. No offense, but he’s not a national hero in this country. The monument only serves as a bitter reminder to the American president that thus far, his only significance here is that he used to be a resident of the country. Even though he’s the leader of the free world, he still has a lot to prove.