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Parents dread the conflict that so often begins when their children enter their teens, but one tool is quickly gaining popularity as a means of improving communication across the generation gap.

Isywara Mahendratto, a therapist at Servo Clinic in Tangerang, just outside Jakarta, said hypnoparenting was a method that parents could use to help their children, especially teenagers, get through difficult times.

Hypnoparenting is basically a way to build good communication between children and parents, and in turn create a harmonious relationship, by making constant suggestions to children using positive words, actions and emotions.

Isywara said adolescents often underwent a traumatic phase between childhood and adulthood and did not have the ability to recognize what they were feeling or know how to handle the problems they were experiencing.

He said that hypnoparenting was particularly useful in helping parents successfully guide their children through this difficult phase.

“Basically, parents need to assist their children. They [children] need help to understand what it is they want and what they feel, otherwise they will seek their own comfort zone by doing negative things,” Isywara said.

“Children tend to run from the source of problems and what we have to do is help them to be able to see their problems differently. We should be able to help them cope with their problems.

“The key is that parents and children should have the same language in dealing with problems,” he said. “Parents tend to use logic while their children use their feelings and senses. Parents need to understand this.”

Niar Hastuti, a mother of two boys, said she first became aware that her oldest son was having problems when she caught him smoking and noticed that he was becoming quick-tempered.

“Sometimes my son would suddenly throw his cellphone and he often came home scowling,” Niar said. “When I asked him what the matter was, he would say, ‘Mom, shut up, you don’t understand my problems.’ That was the point at which I realized that he needed help.”

Niar convinced her son, then 17, to see a therapist because she didn’t know how to handle him. Her son is now 19.

“He would often say, ‘OK, Mom, you can say that, but where is the data?’ So, I told him that we should seek help together from someone who understood his problems.”

It was when browsing the Internet in search of a therapist that Niar came across hypnoparenting. She said putting the method into practice was simple.

“We [parents] are trained not to use negative words with children. Phrases like ‘bad boy’ or ‘don’t’ should not be uttered in our conversations with them,” she said. “We have to induce them with suggestions by using positive words.”

“Instead of preaching to them, we ask them to discuss the problems that they are going through,” Niar said, adding that among the discussions she had with her son was the matter of his poor grades.

“We don’t need to intrude on their space. For example, when he was smoking, I didn’t say, ‘Can you put out your cigarette?’ because that would have meant that I was upset. It’s better to say, ‘I think we need to have a good discussion about this once we have some fresh air.’ My son would then put out his cigarette.”

“We need to be open to our children and be a friend. The most important thing is that we do not label our children.”

She said that her son had now become more open, “He is no longer reluctant to express his feelings like he used to be,” she said.

Seto Mulyadi, chairman of the National Commission for Child Protection (Komnas Anak), told the Jakarta Globe that hypnoparenting could be a useful tool.

“We have to realize that children should be treated as friends. Parents can encourage them with positive suggestions,” Seto said. “This will help the children as well as strengthen the bonds.”

“Sadly, parents tend to use negative words to threaten their children and expect that such words will make them better children,” he said.