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Every breakup is painful.

It doesn’t matter who initiated it, or what the reasons behind the split were — breakups are always accompanied by feelings of guilt, remorse, or sadness.

And even when we think we are “over” someone, it can still come as shocking news when we hear our ex has found someone new.

Nobody likes being replaced, especially when it comes to relationships. After all, we are human beings, not a pair of old shoes to be thrown in the garbage because they were worn out and no longer useful.

After I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt we had nothing in common anymore and saw no future for us, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mind hearing a couple of months later that he had started dating another girl.

Sure, I was the one to break things off. But to imagine another woman by his side was tough nonetheless. We had been together for five years, and I wasn’t ready for another relationship for a long time. It felt like I would betray the time we spent together and the memories we shared. Obviously, he didn’t share this sentiment and had less trouble moving on.

I once went over to his house to visit him, and his new girlfriend was there.

Everybody was tense, and both she and I were eyeing each other suspiciously, while my ex-boyfriend tried to reassure his new girl by constantly patting her back. At the same time, he did his best to make me feel comfortable by having a serious conversation with me. Nice fellow.

But his efforts didn’t save the day. To make things even worse, his mother burst into the room, hugged me and kept telling me how great it was to see me again. Ouch.

Needless to say, none of us felt the urge to repeat such a visit anytime soon. Last I heard, they moved in together. I kept wondering, what is it that made them stand the test of time as a couple? What do they have that he and I didn’t? Obviously, it’s completely pointless to ponder such questions. But it took a long time to understand that.

Of course, the situation can be much more painful when your partner was the one who left you and quickly found happiness with somebody else. Not only were you dumped, you were also replaced with the greatest of ease. Sure, that hurts. But at least, in this case, it is very clear what to do: move forward and don’t look back.

Katrin Figge is deputy features editor at the Jakarta Globe.

Yes, there is no other way to look at it: breaking up is not a pleasant experience. And sometimes watching your ex find another person to replace you doesn’t seem like the best feeling in the world, especially when you’re still single yourself. But hey, as our parents keep telling us, you must move on.

This sounds easy enough. Unfortunately things are much more difficult to handle in reality.

Why is it so hard for some of us (hopefully I’m not part of this group) to accept this? I’m not an expert in love and relationships, but I’m sure you shouldn’t look for complicated answers. One of the reasons, in my opinion, is simply because nobody likes to lose.

We like to win so much that we sometimes forget that losing is also a natural part of life. Since we were children, we’ve been told by our parents, teachers and friends that winning is critical, including in our love lives.

We don’t want to hear that our exes have found a new boyfriend or girlfriend in their lives, especially while hearing it directly from them. We don’t want to be the loser. Instead, we want to be the first to find a new special someone.

And sometimes it’s the people around us who blow up the situation and make it look like it’s the most important thing in the world.

We’ve all seen the new profile picture with somebody new at our ex’s side on Facebook. We try to be cool about it, telling ourselves that life is just too beautiful.

But then out of the blue, one of our best friends drops by, looking gloomy, to deliver news he or she thinks is so important. I was in the college when I learned this the hard way. I remember one day my ex decided to show off her new boyfriend, a senior she met in class.

Many people didn’t even know that we had broken up, so everybody seemed surprised, and worse, had pity for me. Friends around me tried, or perhaps pretended, to be nice, telling me things like “It’s fine to be sad,” or “I know it’s tough, but remember there are still many girls out there.”

Already busy with seeking out potential new girlfriends, I tried to graciously accept their words of encouragement. Looking back, I know I should’ve just said: “What the hell are you talking about? Mind your own business!”

Tasa Nugraza Barley is a features reporter at the Jakarta Globe.