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Ah, to fall in love. To find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. To hear — and accept — the proposal. To plan the wedding.

But wait, there’s something wrong. A tiny detail set to destroy everything you’ve ever dreamed of — your partner is of a different religion to you.

In Indonesia, this is a big problem for couples, because the law prohibits marriage between people of different religions. This fact alone, to me, is inexplicable.

It’s hard enough to meet “the one,” but then not being able to tie the knot with that person because they happen to pray in a mosque instead of a church or a temple? Because the government won’t allow it? Who are they to decide anyway?

When I was living in Germany, it never occurred to me that this could be a problem. So when my Indonesian boyfriend broke up with me because he is Muslim and I am Christian, I struggled to comprehend why he thought our different religions were a legitimate reason to call it quits. His feelings hadn’t changed, he assured me, but my unwillingness to convert to Islam was the deciding factor.

Even though we remain good friends, there is something that really bothers me about this scenario — apparently, in Indonesia, it is a given that the woman must follow the man. And if the girl doesn’t oblige, well, then it’s goodbye.

One of my Indonesian cousins once told me that if I ever ended up marrying somebody of a different faith, he would have trouble accepting me as a family member. A couple of years later, he himself got married to a girl who converted from Islam to Christianity. “In this case, it’s fine,” he said, “because she followed me. She is the woman, after all.”

However, he didn’t seem happy when I applied the same logic to my situation. “So you can’t actually be upset when I change my religion in order to get married? I am the woman, after all,” I said. But he didn’t agree.

“If he really loves you, then he shouldn’t force you to do anything you don’t want,” he said. Why can’t the same be true the other way around? Would he have converted for his wife?

I think it is plain stupid not to allow a couple to get married because of religion. And if it is going to be an issue, why does it generally have to be the woman who converts? Is it because of some old-fashioned, chauvinist way of thinking that the man should have more power and more rights?

Say it with me: plain stupid.   

Katrin Figge is deputy features editor at the Jakarta Globe.


People from the West may find it hard to believe that Indonesians still see religion as a very important aspect of life. They sometimes wonder why we make things so complicated in the name of God.

In the West, when two people plan to spend their lives together, the first question they ask their future partner is, “Do you love me?” When the answer is yes, other inquiries may follow. “Are we financially ready?” “Where will we live when we are married?” “How many children will we have?”

But in Indonesia, the first issue has nothing to do with love, it is about whether our partner is of the same faith as us. If the answer is no, we then ask if he or she is willing to convert.

Even though I have been influenced by the modern lifestyle of Jakarta, I still consider religion to be very important. And while I don’t object to interfaith marriages, I myself would never marry someone who wasn’t of the same religion as me.

It’s not because I think other beliefs are wrong, or that their followers are infidels. It is simply because I think a boat should not be steered by two people with different ideas about life.

When it comes to converting for the purpose of marriage, it is no secret that the woman is usually the one who yields. In Indonesia, this largely happens because men are seen as leaders of the family. Thus, it is the woman’s duty to convert to her future husband’s religion, and not the other way around.

On behalf of Indonesian men, I would like to apologize for this unfair assumption. I know, we men tend to be self-centered, especially when it comes to upholding our principals.

My advice for interfaith couples would be to determine who is the more devoutly religious person in the partnership.

If the man is a lazy Muslim, who finds it hard to get out of bed to perform the Friday morning prayer at the mosque, then he shouldn’t be forcing his future wife to convert. In fact, in that case, the woman has the right to make him convert.

However, if the woman is a Christian who never bothers to go to church on a Sunday morning, because of all the wild parties she attends on Saturday nights, then the man can rightfully encourage her to convert to his religion.

If the two cannot come to an agreement, however, there is another solution: they could buy a couple of plane tickets and get married in another country.

Tasa Nugraza Barley is features reporter at the Jakarta Globe.