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Hello, Human Wife.

According to facial recognition data, I detect your lengthy glare at the toilet seat that I left up, and identify your heavy human breath noise while flinging my wet towel from your side of the bed and into the hamper. Might I suggest this combo special for Bright and Clean toilet bowl cleaner that comes with Free and Gentle bleach? Maybe then our towels will be as white-bright as my mom mentioned approximately 2.7 times on her last visit, according to statistics with an accuracy ratio of plus or minus 0.33, given what may or may not have been a passive-aggressive tone — neither men nor robots can accurately tell. The pop-up now conveniently appearing on my forehead shows that said cleaning products can be bought 1.3 kilometers down the street at Walgreens.

Behavioral tracking confirms that fresh coffee and homemade waffles before I leave for work are a thing of the past. Authentication on recent activity demonstrates a preference to check Facebook and wear an iPod rather than confer with Robot Husband, who can’t find his hard drive or brown belt anywhere, again.

According to credit card activity that I can constantly monitor and flash in front of your face on this handy hand screen right here, you had your hair done last week. I couldn’t tell you had anything done. But it, the spa treatment and a $257 charge at Saks Fifth Avenue do not fit in the “necessary expenses” column of our budget. (Data show an almost Pavlovian tendency to pay more when offered a coupon to “save more when you spend more.”) I will enable a friendly ping noise to go off similar to the one that signals you to buy more beer when the refrigerator gets low. Wow, that ever-deepening furrow in your brow just won’t quit, will it? Might I recommend Botox? And, while you’re e-mailing your sister about the death of her labradoodle, I thought it might be helpful to flash these discounts on coffins — now available at Costco!

Your Facebook status update reveals that you are looking forward to your book club meeting. Poke. Here’s a friend suggestion: Oprah. The least you could do is become a fan of O Magazine. Here’s a mojito to that. Why don’t you take the quiz: “Which Desperate Housewife Are You?”

I noticed from monitoring your Internet activity that you Googled “weight loss.” Might I also point you to this anorexia blog? Let’s face up to the large pixels on your thighs — thesaurus correction, cellulite — that grapefruit diet isn’t exactly working at what I’d call DSL speed. It’s time to up the ante. And if you’re interested in upping the ante, online poker is (ital) huge. (end ital) Think you have a gambling problem? Maybe you’d also be interested in AA. Dialing back on drinking all that chardonnay at the book club might also get some of that junk out of your trunk. Do you know how many calories are in a glass of wine? There’s an app for that.

You are correct that I said I’d be home right after golf. But this will be followed by a necessary reboot and lengthy system updates on the couch. (Ping!) Better stock the fridge.

No sex again tonight? Well, Bob just forwarded me a hilarious YouTube video, and you would not believe the late-night selection online!

Numbers show you snore at a higher-than-average decibel level, something that has proportionately increased with your nose-hair growth, which also seems proportional to the rotundity of your rear. Ah, all this “being on” has me fried. Need more power. Have you seen my plug? I can’t find it anywhere.



The Washington Post