Maryam Rudyanto and her daughter Erika.

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We owe it all to our moms. They’re always there, through thick and thin. They watched us take our first steps and walked us to our first day of school. But being the mother of a deaf child creates a whole new batch of firsts. Some are exhausting, while others are invigorating.

Here, Maryam Rudyanto, 55, shares her journey of raising her daughter Erika, 21, and the maternal instincts that kick in when moms are faced with life’s complex situations.

Can you tell us a bit about your daughter?

Erika is the youngest of our three children. She was born normal, grew and developed normally. When she was one we started to wonder if something was different because her babbles never turned into meaningful words. Then one day when I was driving, I honked the horn and she didn’t react. I was in total shock and rushed her to the doctor, who sent us to a specialist. He confirmed that she had a profound level of hearing loss. She was only 20 months old at the time.

Is Jakarta doing enough to help the handicapped?

We can’t expect too much from society because we, the parents, are responsible for nurturing our special-needs children. However, we also want society to be able to accept our children and give them an equal chance so they can grow up doing activities with other kids — with or without extra help.

What would you do if you were governor of Jakarta?

We need schools that accommodate the needs of handicapped children. We need capable teachers and sufficient facilities. The responsibilities, capabilities and skills of special-needs teachers need to be brought to a higher level and the teachers should make more money.

What have you done since your daughter left home?

Ever since Erika left for junior high school in Melbourne, I have been working as a psychologist at a special-needs school for the deaf. When I’m in Singapore, I visit Indonesians who are in the hospital there, and I also provide counseling for Indonesian maids at Tenaga Kerja Indonesia.

Does you daughter only hang out with other deaf kids?

She’s friends with everyone, both the deaf and those who “hear.”

How do you communicate with your daughter when she’s not in Jakarta?

A total communication is when we meet face-to-face. It means we talk and use sign language accompanied by aligned facial expressions. When we’re far apart we communicate via SMS, e-mail, Facebook or Skype.

Give us an example of something people who can hear take for granted, something you had to help your daughter learn?

A concrete example would be in getting her to wake up in the morning with a special alarm, one that vibrates. Deaf people often sleep very deeply because they never hear other voices or sounds. There were a few times she overslept, just like any other child, but we were determined to help her become independent. Once, she had to attend school on Saturday because she had been late a few times.

What are your principles as a mother to her?

The principles are in general similar to nurturing normal kids. We have to instill discipline, be assertive and set boundaries. We never took pity on or protected her. Basically, we teach her differently, we use multi-sensorial approaches. I made words, phrases and sentences about things at home, things like: chair, table, this is mom’s book. And every week I would “redesign” our house according to a theme. So if the theme was red, we would put tags on all the red things with words, phrases and sentences.

As a family, did you ever run into problems of jealousy?

We all worked together. When we would go out for dinner, while I was talking to my husband, her brother or sister would translate and repeat the conversation for her. This way, she did not feel like she was being left out and at the same time she sharpened her social skills. She became emotional easily because it was more difficult for her to express herself. So we found other ways for her to communicate. There was a drawing book she used to express her thoughts. And vice versa, we would draw or act out how we felt to help her.

You recently wrote a book. Can you tell us what it’s all about?

The book is about my 21 years of raising Erika, the ups and downs, reordering of life priorities and the process of adapting. Beneath the struggles of raising Erika, which was a long journey, I finally saw that God’s plan was not my plan and what was good in my eyes was not necessarily what was best for Erika.

Does your daughter have a hearing aid?

When we found out Erika was hearing impaired the first thing we did was get her a hearing aid. The hearing aid, combined with lip-reading, helped her to learn how to “talk.”

Do you have any advice for parents of deaf children?

Every child is unique and precious in the eyes of God. Accept them as gifts from God and start to strive! Read books, join in related seminars, be creative and cheer up.

Is there any secret to staying positive?

I’m no superwoman or supermom. I can cry, be angry and sad at times, but I limit myself. I remind myself it will last for only a few days, and I have to be strong, quickly gather my strength. Everything I do is for the sake of my family.

Where is Erika now?

She is in the last semester at La Salle in Singapore and applying to study media and film production in the UK.


Maryam Rudyanto was talking to Juli Cokromulio

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