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Living on the Down Low

The Netherlands was the first country to legalise same-sex marriage, in 2001

There is nothing new with extramarital affairs. They have been written in novels, made into blockbuster movies, and sung by singers in a breadth of musical genres.

Extramarital affairs are so common that it inspired the phrase, “Men are all the same.” Yes, we are all indeed the same, we are all men. But, certainly men are not the only cheaters. And most certainly, ladies, your man does not have to cheat with a woman. Indeed, some husbands cheat with men. While this too is unfortunately nothing new, it remains uncommonly spoken of. Memoirs and cover stories in mainstream media have discussed the notion for a while. But still, for us in Indonesia, stories of husbands cheating with their boyfriends remain gossip, as gay men talk about about in their trysts.

So now, I want write about husbands who cheat on their wives with men. They are called men living on the down low. The term originated as a slang term in the African-American community. In his book “Coming Up from the Down Low,” J. L. King wrote that “down low” refers to infidelity in a heterosexual relationship, but it was “eventually adopted by the subculture of men who lead ‘straight’ lives but sleep with other men on the side.”

There are different kinds of men living on the down low. Some of them identify as heterosexuals. They have girlfriends or wives, but they secretly have sex with other men. Some are questioning their sexuality. They do not want to be labeled gay or bisexual, and they keep their same-sex activities in the down low. Others are closeted gays and/or bisexual men who acknowledge their sexuality, but otherwise prefer to remain “discreet” and live their heterosexual lives.

I could write about all of them. But I want to focus on the closeted gays, simply because it’s personal. I am acquainted with a number of guys, who otherwise identify as gay, but for one reason or another, end up marrying women. I am no longer surprised whenever I hear that an old gay friend ended up marrying a woman. But hearing the news still pains me. Yes, it hurts, particularly as it happened to J.

J was a beautiful, young Indonesian man. His passion for arts took him to California, where he studied fine arts. We quickly got together as soon as we met. But our romance did not last long. He left for Europe and I stayed in San Francisco. We kept in touch via Facebook. And a few months ago, I found out that he got married to a woman. Befuddled by the fact, I sent him a short message, “Why?” His response: You know why.

Yes, I know. It’s family. For many Indonesians, family is a social safety net. Family members help each other out financially. Family members also help each other out emotionally. The family solves everything. Therein strong bonds are formed. The family matters, and everyone has his/her say. Strong familial bonds, combined together with a culture that places shame on homosexual relationships, makes it in the best interest of families to make sure that their members abide by the norms. Else they be shamed and cast away from their communities.

Life thus becomes checklist. How to be a good man and not piss off the world?: Grow up strong, be a hero, be a banker, be a manager, or be everything but a failure. Marry a respectable woman and make kids. And it would be fantastic if you could make a boy, so he could take over your business in due course. The checklist grows every time you pass a milestone. It never stops. This is indeed a bleak view of life. But for a lot people, this is a fact.

Living is about being nothing but what you are. Living is about making your parents, the community, and the family happy. So the argument goes: if you are gay, and you love your family, do all of the above. And indeed, so some people do.   

To be clear, I am not making an excuse for living on the down low. My view on it is very simple. If one makes a commitment for monogamy then one ought to honor that commitment. When it is no longer desirable, withdraw respectably. Dishonesty is dishonesty. Moreover, by cheating—be it with the same sex or with the opposite sex—one risks transmitting a disease to one’s spouse. This is a high-risk activity that is potential harmful. This is wrong. What do you think?

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